Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
