I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
