god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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