Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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