I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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