Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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