I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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