Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
