my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
