If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Randomize
