Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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