My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
