Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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