she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
