last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
