Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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