and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
