Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
