Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
