Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
