Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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