The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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