I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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