we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
