ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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