Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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