I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
