Umm I'm too high to move.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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