I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
