I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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