I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
