she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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