hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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