I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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