I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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