I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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