I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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