Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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