I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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