good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
