and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
