NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i think i have two assholes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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