i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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