apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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