I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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