I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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