i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
