You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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