I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
