it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
