That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
