Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
