Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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