he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
