hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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