Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
