I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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