the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
babies were throwing up all over the place
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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