Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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