Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
