Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize