By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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